An Exploration of an Aspect of the Human Condition

Tags

absurdism, existentialism, halfbreedrayze, nihilism, philosophy, ray heberer, sex, the human condition

This is a formal exploration followed by an informal proposition.  Drafted on September 30, 2012.
Author’s note: I feel as if the rampant negativity present in this work might reflect incorrectly (and badly) on my character.  My aim in writing this was rooted in the writing itself, not the content.  In other words, it was more important to me that it was well-written and well-structured than correct.  That being said, the slightly offensive nature of some of the positions in the exploration and proposition are necessarily so, because offense is the best stimulus for discussion – some of which could be insightful.  I don’t claim endorse any ideas of the text.  Keep in mind, the writing is an exploration of one view, not a statement of fact about a subject.

An Exploration of an Aspect of the Human Condition

Bitterness is a cantankerous quality that increases in predominance as a function of age.  Cynicism is an unfortunate philosophical neurosis that tends to affect intelligent individuals.  Melancholy is a debilitating web that often ensnares the artistically genius.  Such is the case because age, intelligence, and artistic genius correlate positively with the depth of an individual’s analysis of life.  A higher age means more time spent in existence, which in turn means more time to analyze existence.  Intelligence is a measure of the processing speed of one’s cerebrum, so a higher intelligence would definitively mean a higher rate at which analysis of existence occurs.  Artistic genius, which is almost universally linked to intelligence, is a result of both a large quantity of time spent in introspection and a sensual sensitivity to the surrounding world.  These qualities, when present in an individual, lead one to spend a large amount of time and mental energy engaged in the analysis of life.  This is to say then, that there is a connection between a thoroughly analyzed life, and a life plagued with bitterness, cynicism, and melancholy, as well as countless other plights that have been omitted for the sake of convenience.  The reason for this connection lies in the fact that deeper analysis of life unveils a simple, hopeless truth: human existence abounds with unhappiness.

There is so much unhappiness surrounding and perpetuating the lives of every human that it is hardly objectionable to posit that unhappiness is an integral part of the human condition.  However, this position is in need of two clarifications.  Firstly, that unhappiness is distinct from sadness, and secondly, that it is a composite part of the human condition, as opposed to a simple one.  Unhappiness and sadness are distinguishable because unhappiness is the lack of something positive, while sadness is the presence of something negative.  Although similar, the distinction between these two terms is very important, because to say that sadness is an integral part of the human condition is to declare that the universe has a will and purpose to impose negativity on the lives of an organism.  Unhappiness, on the other hand, is easily recognized as an inseparable part of human identity, and this made even clearer when it is compared with common pitfalls of existence such as lack of fulfillment, the human fear of lacking life (i.e. anxiety about death), and the lack of answers.  The latter of these is one of the bases of the Absurd, which is the conflict between the human desire to find inherent meaning (the big question about the meaning of life), and the human inability to do so (the lack of answers to the question).  Since finding fulfillment, sustaining life, and deriving answers are causes of happiness, the multiplicity of methods for inducing this positive emotion already shed light upon the compositeness of the lack of this positive emotion which is so intimately bound to human existence.  In other words, unhappiness is not a simple component of the human condition because it is caused by multiple things, or the absence of them thereof.

Having established that unhappiness is a composite, integral component of the human condition, and that it is distinct from sadness, it is a logical step to explore the composition of unhappiness.  However, since the breadth of the composition is so multifaceted and complex that many thousands of words could not clearly portray it, only one source of unhappiness will be explored.  It is a fair assumption to make that the primary cause for unhappiness is also an integral part of the human condition.  This cause – this part – is the human desire for more.  It is the desire to have more, be more, own more, create more, and so on using countless other infinitives which would create a “litany of more”.  Each one of those infinitives can be further expanded.  For example, a human may desire to have more money, more muscles, more respect… a human may desire to be more intelligent, more knowledgeable, more loved… In this fashion, each infinitive in the litany of more could have countless more nouns, adjectives, or adverbs appended to it in an endless and infinite derivation that would accomplish nothing but demonstrate the universality of the human desire for more.

If this intrinsic quality of humans – the desire for more – is a primary component in the composite part of the human condition – unhappiness – then it is safe to assume that unhappiness is largely composed of a failure to satisfy the demands of this quality.  Obviously, if the desire for more was satisfied, humans would have one less significant source of unhappiness.  Thus, it is safe to assume that humans fail to satisfy their desire for more.

Before exploring the nature of this failure, the ways in which humans attempt to fulfill the desire will first be investigated.  There are two main ways that most individuals strive to accumulate the infinite things listed in the litany of more.  These ways are fundamentally opposite to each other.  They are a dichotomy; they are a duality.  The inherent existence of the duality is debatable, but the existence of the concept of such within the bounds of human language is provable.  Therefore, the existence of a concept of duality within all human thoughts and actions is highly likely, since human language deeply influences human thought, which in turn is responsible for human action.  Showing that there is a concept of duality within human language is simple.  First, there is the existence of the word “opposite.”  Humans have predominantly subconsciously compiled lists of opposites in their minds.  When presented with the word “good”, the opposite “bad” or perhaps “evil” is not too far off in subconscious thoughts.  Likewise, love is the opposite of hate, slow is the opposite of fast, tall is the opposite of short, and so on.  These are commonly accepted opposites, so it would be equally accepted to look at the pairings in a slightly different manner.  Let love and hate for a dualistic relationship, and likewise for slow and fast, tall and short…  Duality is ever-present in language, and is for this reason equally as present in human thoughts and actions.  As a result, the actions and thoughts that humans go through in order to meet the demands of the desire for more are of a dualistic nature.  The two methods employed are either to attempt to fulfill the desire for more by accumulating more achievement, skill, possession, and more, or to attempt fulfillment by accumulating more problems, difficulties, and hardships in both the past and present.  In other words, one may take the path of fulfillment and the path of negative distinction.

While the path of fulfillment seems to make sense without much further definition, the path of negative distinction seems at first counterintuitive.  However, not only is the second method of accumulating “more” a very logical responses to the desire posed by the human condition, but it is also more widely used.  Problems, difficulties, and hardships set one apart from others just as effectively as merits, achievements and awards.  The difference is that they do not require effort.  They either can be sought out, or happen involuntarily.  It is the economy of human effort that leads many to choose to seek more problems.  In other words, it is sloth, laziness, and the tendency to choose the path of least resistance.  To be fair, some are involuntarily put on this path through hardships not within their control.  However, it is the same economy of human effort that leads them to take the path further, instead of fighting the current and taking the path of fulfillment.  It is for this reason that humans often seem to acquire, synthesize, or even fantasize new problems.  In a way, the depressed individual is almost proud of his depression, because it shows he has suffered more, endured more, and done countless “more” things than others.  While the path of fulfillment may lead to boasting, the path of negative distinction invariably leads to complaining.  Upon further examination of the nature of complaints, it can be found that they are almost identical to boasts.  Often, complaints are comprised of extensive lists of events that have occurred, are occurring, or are about to occur.  Take this complaint for an example: “My mom yelled at me, I’m failing school, and I’m going to have to break up with my girlfriend because she’s moving to Alaska.”  The structure of the sentence can remained unchanged, and with some simple replacements, the complaint will become a boast.  Observe: “My mom is so proud of me, I’m currently acing all my classes, and I’m going to fuck my girlfriend tonight because she’s fucking sexy.”  The similarity between complaining and boasting is very apparent.  This is because both acts are a bid for recognition.  The path of fulfillment and the path of negative distinction make an individual prone to boasting and complaining, respectively.

Both paths lead to bids of recognition, because recognition is the unit by which an individual’s progress in attaining all described in the litany of more is measured.  Just as measuring length would be futile without the knowledge of whether one is measure in centimeters of meters, measuring the relative success of one’s attempts at fulfilling the desire for more would be a fruitless endeavor without a unit of measurement.  More is a comparative word.  You cannot have more wealth if there is no one to have more wealth than.  You cannot be superior if there is no inferior.  You cannot have more problems, if there is no one else with fewer problems.  For this reason, no matter which path one takes, it is simply a path towards attention-seeking.

Regardless of how one seeks to fulfill the desire for more, all will fail.  This is clear simply by looking at the words.  More is not a static word.  It is a constant drive.  No matter how much one has accumulated in the present, there will always be the desire to have more of that in the future.  In layman’s terms, it is never enough.  Nothing will ever satisfy.  If one takes the path of fulfillment, it often times may turn out to be a twisted bastardization of the other path in the dichotomy.  Failing to fulfill one’s own standards is the ultimate “problem.”  One makes an ultimatum with himself, demanding that he either prove his own value to himself or should he fail, languish in self-rejection.  The end result of this ultimatum is consistently self-rejection.  If one takes the path of negative distinction, he will eventually become disgusted as he realizes the falsity of his own subconscious sense of superiority.  Also, the nature of this path makes it so that many problems, difficulties, hardships are acquired.  These things, though having more of them may temporarily abate the desire for more, are very obviously in themselves sources of unhappiness and even sadness.  Thus it is not logical as a way of avoiding unhappiness to take the path of negative distinction, even though it was shown to be logical as a way of pursuing the fulfillment of the desire for more.  Furthermore, the unit of measurement – recognition by others – is unreliable and hard to determine.  It can be said that since it can only be gauged by personal observations of others’ observations of the person, there is a very high instrumental uncertainty when determining the amount of recognition one has accumulated.  What makes success in truly achieving the litany of more is that recognition itself is something that humans desire more of.  For these reasons, humans universally fail in satisfying the desire for more, which is a large factor in the unhappiness of humans, which is itself an integral part of the human condition.

A Proposition to Mitigate the Unhappiness Caused by the Desire for More

My proposition, which is essentially an opinion as to how we, as humans, can become less unhappy, is that we practice auto-diminution.  This is a reduction in our own importance, significance, and distinction.  We must realize that we are not special, different, or imbued with a meaningful purpose to fulfill.

The reason for this is that it eliminates many of the endless derivations from the litany of more.  While by definition, no component of the human condition can be completely purged, the desire for more can be mitigated by means of auto-diminution.  Auto-diminution eliminates the need to be more special, to be more important, and to be more significant.  It eliminates the desire to have a more meaningful life, to have a more distinguished reputation, and to have a more prestigious academic record.

Auto-diminution is the solution to social elitism!  It is the medicine for arrogance! It is the fast answer to absurdist and existential ponderings!  Just realize people, you are fucking insignificant!  You will be so much happier that way, because you will stop trying to get more of everything, be more than everyone, and do more than life permits.

What do I propose instead of either the path of fulfillment or the path of negative distinction?  This: biological consonance.  I posit that we will be happy if we strive to act in accordance (i.e. in consonance) with our biological impulses; with the characteristics dictated by genetic codes and developed through natural selection.

We are here to have sex and to reproduce.  Therefore, if we act in constant consonance with these two tenets of existence, happiness will come more easily.

This is not to say that auto-diminution and biological consonance hold the secret to defeating unhappiness.  In fact, it would not be a good idea to completely banish unhappiness from existence.  Indeed, how would we know happiness without unhappiness?  It is impossible for one to exist without the other, and the intensity for which one may have happiness is often dictated by the depths of unhappiness into which one has previously fallen and experienced.

However, by the time one reaches an introspective understanding that is comprehensive enough to consider living out the tenets of auto-diminution and biological consonance, he will have undergone enough suffering, sadness, and unhappiness to make him perfectly capable of feeling happiness very acutely.

This is also not to say that one should completely stop trying to attain things such as academic achievement, a good salary, or artistic distinction.  After all, these things all make an individual more competent and attractive, which furthers his biological drive to survive and reproduce.  Let us compete, for there can be no natural selection without competition!  Let us love, for the survival of one’s offspring often depends upon a caring and stable relationship between compassionate parents!  Let us enjoy the lifestyle of the hedonist, so long as it does not damage one’s standings in the biological race.

This proposition may seem selfish.  After all, it’s basically saying this: do whatever you can to have sex, because that’s a biological urge and you are made to fulfill biological urges.  However, selfishness in inherent to humans, and it is this way because natural selection has caused our species to universally exhibit this characteristic.  Thus, selfishness helps the human race survive.  In this way, selfishness is also a deep-rooted concern with the well being of the entire species.  Therefore go, survive, and reproduce, you insignificant speck!

Summer

Tags

abandoned gods, halfbreedrayze, holidays, inspiration, jamming, kara patterson, music, NOAC, northern tier, ray heberer, summer, vacation

My summer of 2012 was absolutely phenomenal.  It was a vacation filled to the brim with fantastic experiences that have changed me in a positive way and will stay with me forever.  Allow me to recount…

The first experience of the summer (after the SAT test) was my guest solo at the metal band Abandoned God’s show in Yreka, California.  I played for a humbly sized audience with an equally humble sound system.  Nevertheless, the music was loud, the solo shredded hard, and I made new friends with members of the band and people in the audience.  I am so very fortunate to be able to travel to places and be invited to perform.

After traveling north and spending time in the dormitories of various universities, I spent a couple weeks in Canada.  In the town/tiny-city of Creston, British Columbia, I was attending an art show when I was invited to jam with the musicians there.  I alternated between electric guitar and bass, comping along to some songs and compositions I had never played or heard before in genres such as blues, funk, rock, and even reggae.  The whole performance was incredibly fun, and made me very thankful for the musical gifts I have been blessed with.

After performing on Canada day in a park and a small town hall as part of a community band, I made my way down to East Washington for the Ironwood Thrower’s Camp.  Surrounding me on all sides were athletes who were both bigger (both vertically and otherwise) and stronger than me (though not necessarily better throwers).  I was in awe of how many state champions, and former Olympians there were.  Of course, meeting Kara Patterson, who went to London for Javelin this year was truly inspiring.  The camp has motivated me to be a better athlete and to put more effort into training when I return to Taipei.

One of the high points of the summer was my 2-week canoe voyage in the Quetico park in Canada.  I spent those weeks with 8 other young adults whom I had never met before.  By the end of the voyage, we were all family.  Above all else, my time in the Canadian wilderness taught me the virtues of brotherhood, cheerfulness, service, solitude, sacrifice, leadership, and endurance.

Shortly after the voyage, following a quick visit with my brother David in Iowa, I attended the National Order of the Arrow Conference (NOAC) at Michigan State University.  Basically, the Order of the Arrow is a program under the Boy Scouts of America with a focus on service and leadership.  My high point of the conference was getting my instrumental composition Sunlit Memories played on the NOAC radio, which at any given time had over 1000 listeners (the conference hosted 8000 people).  It was great meeting other goal-oriented high-achievers like myself, and I would love to attend another NOAC in the future.

I spent my last few days just longboarding and swimming.  I finally evened out the tan I got from Ironwood (which is still visible in the photo above taken from my Canoe trip), and at last found some time to relax.  School is speedily approaching, but this year I am actually looking forward to it.  I will enter this new year refreshed, inspired, and as ambitious as always.

On the Wings of a Demon

Tags

dystopia, fiction, novel, on the wings of a demon, philosophy, ray heberer, social criticism

As a few people might know, I have begun working on a novel entitled On the Wings of a Demon.  Since I am writing primarily for a teenage/young adult audience, the bulk of the novel comprises of action and adventure, with a small amount of romance.  However, I do manage to sneak in a few interesting philosophies and world-views.  Here, I have selected five excerpts which show the opinions of some of my characters.  I find this to be an interesting facet of the book will likely be overlooked.  Here they are…

Excerpt 1

Lord Brunsworth and the other few remaining wealthy landowners are part of a very small social class we demons refer to as the sheepdogs. To go back to an analogy I used previously, the common humans are the sheep – desiring to be controlled and led – while the government of the First Republic contains the shepherds who provide the control.

The sheepdogs are those who run free among the masses with superficial freedom. They terrorize the sheep, nipping at their heels, and lie down at the feet of their masters with revolting obsequiousness. Basically, the lord whose service I am in is a manipulative human who’s managed to gain influence and exemption by sucking up to those in power. He may seem influential, but he’s just a dog to this society’s shepherds.

Excerpt 2

“But what are you going to do then?”

“I don’t know…Be free.”

“No Kaspar.” Luna’s tone is dead serious right now. “You can’t just wander around in the forest with no purpose or direction. Then you’re just as bad as the sheepdogs, who live with only their own interests in mind.” I’ve never heard her so passionate before. “Don’t you understand? We’re better than them. You know why? Because we have no free will. We’re part of a system.”

“A system that has caused so much suffering!” I exclaim, outraged.

“Yes, but it is better than having free will, or escaping and twisting the system you’re in like our masters do. They try to be exempt from their system, because they seek free will. Can’t you see? Free will is the root of greed! It’s the root of manipulation, betrayal, envy… We all have it, but as long as we’re part of a system, it’s suppressed. The system provides direction, it provides control. The system justifies its own existence. Within the values of the system, anything done within the system itself is right. I can understand you want to leave this manor, because I do too. But if you do so only because you want to be free of a system, you are sinking down to the level of the arrogant humans who control us.”

Excerpt 3

My master continues talking. I can’t tell if he’s trying to make me guilty, or subtly gloating over how he’s ended up victorious, even though he had absolutely no involvement in my capture. “I liked you 11. You kind of reminded me of myself.”

That last statement makes me want to puke, but still he goes on, “I finally thought I had found one of your kind that understood how things work. That understood how to live life. I thought you knew, 11, that the key to living is to always stay with the winning side.”

Lord Brunsworth takes a moment to adjust his stiff hair with microscopic perfectionism, before persisting, “What did you plan to do? You’d be miserable without me. I’m the hand that feeds you. I give you a bed, I give you medicine when you’re sick, and I even allow you plenty of time to rest.”

He sighs, shaking his head sadly. “I thought you knew that to stay with me was to stay with the winning side. After all, you stuck around for so long. I gave you special tasks I wouldn’t dream of entrusting to other demons. The way you served me so obediently led me to believe you understood. I thought you knew that in order to master your life, you must live for your masters. You were that close to rising up to more than just a slave, which is unheard of for a demon! I thought you understood that in order to climb the ladder, you must lick the boots of the ones on the rungs above you. You’ve disappointed me, 11.”

Excerpt 4

I think about what Luna said about systems and freedom, and realize that I disagree. This whole time, I’ve been fighting to gain free will. Perhaps it is the root of greed. After all, wasn’t I trying to escape with nothing but my own self preservation in mind? Is self-interest synonymous to greed?

Or perhaps I really am acting as a part of a system, although a very small one. Ariane is my system right now, and I’m acting in accordance to her presence by traveling to the capitol. Once I get back to Luna though, everything will become blurred again. I’m so confused. What is the right thing?

All I want is to run off with Luna and live in the mountains, like I did with my mother so many years ago. I don’t need any sort of duty or purpose. I don’t need to belong to a system. My whole life would be complete if I could just open my eyes every morning to be greeted by Luna’s beautiful face. If I could wake up to her smile every day, I would be happy.

Luna wouldn’t be content just to hide away like hermits while the world moved on though. She always wanted to be a part of something greater, to have an impact. She was perpetually ambitious, talking of changing the course of history, but she couldn’t seem to imagine doing so alone. Instead, she needed to belong to something that would offer both the control she preferred to have and the opportunity to make a difference as a part of a whole.

On the other hand, I do not care about control. The authenticity of my identity is more important than my justification in existing. According to Luna, freedom is existence without justification. To her, even enslavement meant justification, because you were acting in accordance to a system. I believe that being enslaved changes who you are, and suppresses your identity.

Excerpt 5

“But how could you make a difference? How could you do anything when you’re living in a country with a government interested in brainwashing you into submission and conformity until you become like sheep? How could you approach the demons when all of us have been made to distrust, despise, and fear you?”

Ariane looks up at me for a while from my shoulder. “Art. It has always been a source of inspiration and hope. Think about how the composer Monteverdi used his operas as carriers of powerful messages. Like Orfeo: it was meant to tell people that love was stronger than death. The art people are exposed to can really touch them… change them…”

Her upper-class education is starting to shine through, but fortunately I have a decent knowledge of art and music, so I’m able to follow along.

“I could slowly start to influence those living in villages. Especially the young ones. Older people are harder to change, mostly because they are afraid of change.

But the youth, they would embrace the idea that your kind could coexist with us. Remember ‘On the Wings of a Demon?’ Well, many little boys and girl stopped to look at it that day in the South Village, even if they were too afraid to ask about it, since they had nothing to buy it with.

The point is, the painting made an impact, because as children we all dream of flying. The idea that people like you could help us achieve such a deeply ingrained dream is moving. Of course, it would be so much better… so much more personal… if the winged human had a name.”

Here I am, with a young human girl warmly wrapped up against me, and yet she doesn’t even know my name. It feels so very wrong, so I open my mouth to say, “Ariane, there’s no reason for you not to know my name. I’m sorry I was so distrusting…”

I am posting each chapter as I finish the first draft here: http://www.wattpad.com/story/1484677-on-the-wings-of-a-demon.  Remember, these excerpts hardly represent what the majority of the novel contains.  I just found them interesting.

Ridiculous Response to a Ridiculous Request.

Tags

college question, halfbreedrayze, list of things, ray heberer, rubber ball

I wrote this a while ago, but I decided I want to share it publicly just so I can get in the flow of sharing more of my writing, since I’m just starting to work on a fiction book (did I just say that?).  It is my response to a very irritating college counseling question.  I never turned in the assignment.

1)   You have a rubber ball, two inches in diameter.  Make a list of 50 things you could do with this ball.  OK, let’s be reasonable, 25 would be good.  OK, final offer, make a list of things, length of the list is up to you… and the length of the list is not the most important thing, is it?

Before I do anything, I will first answer the question.  It is standard practice that a question is concluded by an interrogative.  The only fragment I have found with this nature is that which is following the ellipsis.  The answer is: no, the length of the list is not the most important thing.  That is a very easy question to answer without thinking because it uses an absolute relation: most.  Rarely will one aspect be the most important if something is qualitative.  Importance is qualitative; therefore even a more viable candidate for “most important thing” such as the thought put into making the list would come under subjective debate.  Without getting distracted, I once again conclude with my answer no.

Regarding your offer, I will accept it.  A riddle, paper, trumpet, chair, and dog.  There you go: a list of things.  It also happens to be in iambic pentameter.

OK, I’ll be reasonable.  You could throw the ball, play catch with the ball, play fetch with a dog, or let go of the ball.

You have an appropriately condescending and verbose answer to a ridiculous and superficially “deep” question.  Now analyze and react to this response, and determine to which pile this profile goes to.  Am I the type of student you want?  You would be tempted to answer no, if my writer’s voice reflects who I am.  Then again, if this question reflects what your school is, I don’t want to go study under whimsical and indecisive professors who make completely out-of-place demands then attempt to bargain.

Just to recap, the answer to the question (i.e. the fragment concluded by an interrogative) is no.

Stanford, Abandoned Gods, Birthday

Tags

a change in seasons, abandoned gods, beyond doubts shadow, bloodoath, bloodred fullmoon, halfbreedrayze, ray heberer, stanford

Just a little over a week ago, I was taking my final exams and ruminating over the fact that I had little hours left as a junior in high school.  Then, those hours passed without much further thought given to them and there I was, plopped down on the doorstep of summer with no idea what to do like an abandoned baby left behind with no concepts of family or love.  What’s this?  A vacation?  What kind of sorcery is this‽ (admire my interrobang)  Fortunately for me, I was not shoved so brutally into fun and relaxation, as I had to take the SAT reasoning exam right before I flew off to San Francisco.  I won’t waste many words over the exam, apart from to say that it was very easy and even more boring than easy.

Like any good Asian (or half-Asian), it was my solemn obligation to visit Stanford University.  In my opinion the campus is beautiful.  I will definitely consider going there if I’m accepted.  Here’s some photos of me at Stanford…

I’m sitting at the top of the Hoover Tower at Stanford which has a view of the entire campus.

Now I’m at the fountain you saw in the previous photo with the tower I was at the top of in the background.

I’m wearing a Stanford hoodie that I purchased, standing inside the music building.

A Guidonian hand! I was so happy when I actually knew what it was.

After my brief visit to Stanford, my father drove me to Yreka, which is some random town in north California.  The reason why I would be in such a place is simple: I was attending a concert headlined by my friends in the melodeath band Abandoned Gods, with Bloodoath and Beyond Doubt’s Shadow playing as supports.  It was a very energetic concert for an audience of about 40 at most.  Although the sound system was about nonexistant, and the clarity of the guitars was very bad, all the bands had very good presence and performed their compositions very nicely.  I had a informal little guest solo before the Abandoned Gods set.  I didn’t really have anything prepared so I just shredded by playing about the fastest stuff I could.  I got a few photos afterwards of me with the members of Abandoned Gods and some other people who happened to be there.

The people with the painted faces are from Abandoned Gods.

On June 6th (today), I turned 17.  I’m not elated, excited, or ecstatic.  In fact, if anything, I’m a bit anxious.  I’m getting older fast, and I’m beyond the age where people will notice me and my music simply because I’m young.  From this point onwards, the quality expectation has risen.  However, I’m also optimistic, since I’ve been composing recently for a new Bloodred Fullmoon album entitled A Change In Seasons.  The songs sound very good!

I look forward to posting some updates on my musical recordings as I work on my various projects throughout the summer.  For now, here’s me blowing out candles for my little birthday celebration with my father’s aunt and cousin’s families.

I’m not quite sure of my relation to these people. The cousin of my father? The husband of the cousin of my father? The children of my father’s cousin? Are they my nephews and nieces once removed?

The Old Man

Tags

abstract, halfbreedrayze, ray heberer, the old man

Sometimes I see an old man through the translucent panes of an imaginary viewfinder.  He repels me, for he is withered and weak.  Within this decaying remnant of what was once an individual I see nothing but a discomforting placidness of the soul.  In the narcissistic arrogance of my youth, I scorn the old man.  Why trudge on through a life that is nothing but an empty tragedy for a hollow and worn-out excuse for a human being.  Surely, we are sublime creatures of progress, of ambition, of perfection!  What use is a piece of dead-weight; a tired shell comprised of flesh which lacks vitality?

 

He rocks in his chair in a hypnotizing sway, and I can imagine him humming broken shards of a long-forgotten song.  All alone, in a state of semi-dementia, the eyes meander around the room.  Presently he looks in the direction of my viewfinder, and though I am aware that I am only a spirit in his world, invisible to him, I cannot stand to look into his eyes.  Perhaps, it is because I fear the possibility of recognition.

 

The whisperings in my heart warn me of this possibility, that he could be a loved one; he could be someone I love right now.  But no, even if that were true he wouldn’t be a loved one, he would only be one possible outcome of this person.  The future is susceptible to change, is it not?

 

I am certain that right now there is sweat dripping down my forehead, and that I will wake up to an unnerving clammy sensation.  This can’t be possible.  What happened to his dreams?  Where did his ambitions go?  What happened to everything he built his life upon?  I despise this old man!  Why did you fuck up your life, you pathetic nonagenarian?!  If you failed yourself, why couldn’t you just kill yourself, and throw off the chains of the tyrant, life?  Why suffer so long under your own torment?

 

My anguish is palpable, I am certain of this fact.  To prove me right, the old man suddenly looks in my direction again, as though he sensed something.  I am impossibly fixated upon him, I cannot avoid those eyes this time.

 

It all comes crashing down upon me.  The narrow fibers of my own delusion breaks, and the realization plunges into the depths of my soul like the sword of Damocles rending my emotions apart.  Something inside of me knew what I would recognize, but for some obscure reason buried within the nature of my humanity I was able to exist happily within my self-manufactured ignorance for a brief moment.  I look into those eyes: the eyes of a failure, an outcast, a dried up estuary of regrets buried under that thin, repulsive layer of silt.

 

Immediately I am plunged into a nightmare, of demons and apocalypse, of infernos, torture and death.  The visions are vivid and grotesque, and fill me to the brim with the bloody bile of disgust.  However, it is a relief from the scene I viewed through the imaginary viewfinder.  The fantastical demise of the human race is much preferable to the future downfall of one who I thought I loved.  I never loved the one whom I fear every day will become the old man.  I only loved his achievements.  If this individual is to be loved by me, I must accept him fully for who he is, not for what he does.  Otherwise he is incomplete, because he is me.

 

The somber warning of this particular vision is not to be taken lightly.  Man is only partly comprised of matter belonging to the world of reality.  The other component of the individual is his dreams.  Dreams can only be achieved in a state of self-acceptance.  Otherwise, like with Phlogiston, they are destroyed completely, conserving nothing, leaving behind a life form that is only partially alive.

Haemic – Fields of Sanguine

Tags

fields of sanguine, haemic, halfbreedrayze, ray heberer

The alternate cover for the album. Appears on the CD artwork, as opposed to the blank fields that are the official artwork. All artwork by Valyi Tibor. The logo is by Kempshall McAndrew.

Wow.  Not much to say.  I’ve finally released a full length album, and in doing so, accomplished a dream I’ve carried since 8th grade.  It’s exhilarating to watch this thing spread.  The result of many months of hard work is now a piece of art released for the entertainment of all.

I’ve cried for joy.  That’s how much this means to me.

A Collection of Thoughts

Tags

absurdity, aeration, anonymous person, emotional traumas, friends and strangers, halfbreedrayze, misunderstanding, ray heberer

I need to vent a little.  Now, before you make any importune assumptions, let me point out that just because our self-obsessed, complaint-filled society has associated the object used as a means of aeration with the action of dumping one’s emotional traumas on no one in particular – anyone that will bother listening – and seeking sympathy and attention from friends and strangers alike, that doesn’t describe what I will be doing.

Go ahead, reread that sentence.  It’s a bit structurally complex and I want you to understand the meaning of it.  Don’t flatter yourself to believe that I actually care about YOU.  I just despise misunderstanding in general.  How would the misunderstanding of an anonymous person affect me, or even become known to me?  It wouldn’t.  I just wanted the chance to write a few short sentences, to make up for both that long one and the many more convoluted, meandering pieces of prose to come.  It was also an opportunity for me to display the absurdity that is my humanity, in order to foreshadow many of the themes I may decide to explore.

Seeing as I have strayed far from your purpose, I will get back to the point.  Notice how I say your purpose.  After all, I can write about whatever I want to, and the fact that I want to write about something and have written it would mean that it was in conjunction with my purpose at the time.  But your purpose is to read what I said I would write.  Or what I am currently trying to say.  Oh dear, it appears I have  concluded another paragraph without even stating the intent of this post.

Right, venting.  I’m currently traveling from Spokane to Taiwan, with a few stops in between.  Such inactivity of the body engenders comfortable activity in the mind.  When I said I needed to vent, I meant that I needed to unload some of the thoughts that are abounding in my head, though in reality my survival doesn’t depend on the written preservation of my thoughts, nor do these thoughts physically reside somewhere within my skull.  I merely employed two figures of speech for the purpose of convenience.  Why the contradictions?  Oh, just another demonstration of human absurdity.

So, in no particular order: a few ideas of mine.  I may or may not (good way to start any sentence without saying anything substantial at all) believe in any idea I write down.  The only obstacle that remains between here and the actual ideas is a rebuttal I can’t resist stating against that snide comment in the parentheses.  For the sake of equality, and for my own amusement, I’ll rebut within a pair of parentheses, with some italicization thrown in for good measure.

(‘may or may not’ is in fact a substantial introduction to a sentence because in indicates the uncertainty of the statement succeeding it, thus preventing the critic from judging it as fact and safely criticizing the writer’s intelligence indirectly through the criticism of a fault within the statement)

Idea one: When the deeply-ingrained human ideal of self-sufficiency is forced to coexist with the society-induced impossibility of achieving this ideal, the results are the traditions and mores of gift-giving, returning favors, and an aversion to imposition that is displayed in almost obsequious politeness.

Idea two: It is doubly impossible to be self sufficient within society because the effects of human sociality on the nature of the race makes us desire attention and friends, and also because systems of education and the common work force are set up to make us increasingly specialized and good at a small number of things, much like the maturation of versatile stem cells into adult cells capable of performing one function but useless by themselves.

Idea three: The trends in popular teen literature towards the pseudo-romantic novels (that may or may not concern sol-phobic entities with sanguine diets) which spoon feed the reader an unhealthy portion of diluted passion are an attempt to satiate the modern desire to feel the throes of love without its commitments or downfalls; in other words many of us are in love with the feeling of love itself and find this feeling in pop-romance novels.

Idea four: The reader is often annoyed by an author who is not afraid to amuse himself within the text (Denis Diderot anyone?) yet the listener often can find the humor within musical jokes (Beethovian humor…  he must have been a funny guy; he has a “joke” every couple measures) because listening to music can be a directly enjoyable experience without knowledge of its theory while to truly enjoy a good book and revel in its aesthetic bliss, one requires a dictionary, good memory, imagination, and artistic sense (my first means to grab, or to take, my second comes before “shucks” in an exclamation, my third is often heard during flu season, my whole is the one who made that list of things a reader must have, and may or may not be well known to you).  This is a dangerous statement, as it could become a battlefield for the artists of different trades to insist how their art is “higher.”  I will reserve judgment, and retain neutrality by saying that it is impossible to judge whether creating something that can touch people requires just as much creative genius as creating something that can be dissected for all eternity.  To be fair, some music can be analyzed just as much as a high-brow philosophical article, and some books are deeply, emotionally capable of having connections with the reader (the pseudo-romantic novels perhaps?  What a deep connection from a diluted book implies about our society today is a different question).  Having avoided this potential dispute, I will conclude by stating that my thought only regards the general reality that music is more accessible than literature.  After all, who reads anymore?

Idea five: I really didn’t want to bother making another idea, but I wanted five.  That’s an idea in itself.  The idea that this is an idea is an idea.  What a useless sentence.  May or may not.

-Just for the record, I don’t find Beethoven particularly humorous.  Not resolving two leading tones and jumping up and down by major sevenths may have been funny in the 19th century, but it just doesn’t cut it for me.  After all, among other things, I listen to Unexpect.

-The answer to the riddle above was Nabokov, surname of Vladimir Nabokov, who is my literary hero.  Nab means to grab or take, aw comes before shucks, and coughs are often heard during flu season.  Nabawcough.  Nabokov.

The Voices in Dreams of Winter

Tags

characters, death, delicate flowers, dreams of winter, halfbreedrayze, melancholy, narrative voices, passion, ray heberer, reason

Hello!  The concept and lyrics behind the Dreams of Winter album is only a couple of weeks from completion now.  In this post I will give a little bit of depth into the different characters and narrative voices present in this work of art.  The latest tracklist is as follows.  Keep in mind this is still a tentative layout, and the name of the album and songs, as well as the order of the songs is subject to further change.

Dreams of Winter - Delicate Flowers

1. A White Rose
2. The Delights and Dangers of Ambiguity
3. Lithophanic Eternities (instrumental)
4. Leiden
5. These Winter Dreams
6. Vignette
7. The Only Immortality You and I May Share
8. Triumph and Disaster

With this little piece of background information, we are ready to proceed.  I do not go into too much depth here, but it is enough to give a general idea about who or what is singing in the album.

Altman: Altman is one of the main protagonists of the story.  He is an old soldier who is embittered with war and death.  Partially as a reaction to this sort of life, he has become a sort of escapist romantic, who yearns for a simple life devoid of troubles and suffering.  In character he is quite weak, and prone to relapse into litanies of regret.  A certain fatalist tendency is detectable in his character, as he often resigns himself to the will of fate and sighs that it is useless to try to take action against life’s injustices.  Through the course of the album grows to love Marzena in a manner that is so pure that it is almost child-like, but eventually ruins himself over her as he is torn by the oscillations of his heart between the passion she instills in him and his survivalist reason and logic that has kept him alive in the battlefield for so many years.  For the majority of the album, Altman is portrayed through a spoken voice medium, and his voice represents written letters.  However, the voice of Altman does sing in Vignette, and represents direct dialogue in both this song and Triumph and Disaster.  In Leiden, the voice of Altman directly conveys his intimate, internal thoughts.  The name Altman is derived from the German elements ald and diener which mean “old” and “servant” respectively.  This is indicative of his lifelong subordination to the forces of war and death.

Marzena: In many ways a character foil to Altman, Marzena is the youthful, energetic daughter to a man who was by chance killed by Altman in a battle (more on this when I write about the plot in a later post!).  She is passionate and restless, and is frustrated with her current situation in a rural village as it lacks transience.  A rather morbid defining trait of hers is her obsession with death.  Often she contemplates subjects such as suicide, and concludes that it is even a good thing since she believes, among other more or less absurd yet romantic notions, that when one dies at the peak of one’s love for another, that love is immortalized through death.  Her love for Altman arises out of his association with death, but eventually seeds of hate towards him begin to sprout as she begins to progressively despise his lack of vitality and resignation with life.  At this point however, she has already lost everything else but her love for him, due to the sacrifices she makes in order to bring change into her life, and so commits suicide.  As with Altman, Marzena’s voice on the album is mostly spoken word representing letters she wrote, and she sings on Vignette, representing direct dialogue in both this song and Triumph and Disaster.  Her name is a Polish name that means “dreamed one.”  This is symbolic of both the nature of her existence in this album (see my inscribed self below to understand this) and the perception Altman has towards her.

Passion: The voice of Passion is a female voice that narrates in third person, but identifies more closely with Marzena, the female character.  Passion is very active, and often spends much time on the subject of the future.  It is mainly responsible for providing vivid narrative details to the story, but one can expect that when the mellifluous crooning of Passion is present, the corresponding text is equally as tumultuous and multifaceted as the emotion this voice represents.

Melancholy: The narrative complement to Passion, Melancholy, is a male voice that speaks in third person, but identifies more closely with Altman.  Melancholy is palpably regretful, and can be expected to linger in things past.  The mournful melodies of this voice are made up of antitheses and lamentations.  The role of Melancholy is to provide emotional narrative details, as well as some description of setting within the context of the characters’ perception of their surroundings and how it is influenced by emotion.

Death: The embodiment of Death’s voice in the Dreams of Winter album is a low, pained growl.  Throughout the songs, Death addresses either Altman or Marzena, often calling them “old friend” or “my daughter” respectively.  It speaks only in poetic verse, and in general is a very enticing voice (in text, not in sound).  Death attempts to portray itself as a solution to problems, and uses both Altman’s weariness with life and Marzena’s attraction to the unknown as ways to attract them both into its grip.

Reason: Reason is easily the most vicious, angry voice of them all.  Represented by a high scream, Reason, like Death, addresses both characters throughout the album.  However, Reason has its own character in a sense, which is more closely linked to a personification of the reason and logic ”belonging to” Altman.  It is the enemy of passion, and is condescending towards melancholy.  It struggles against Death’s allure, and defines suicide as a moment of weakness, not a solution to problems.  Overall, Reason is characterized by its need for survival, both for itself as it grapples against Passion and Melancholy within the context of the two character’s emotions, and for the characters as Death uses its silver-coated tongue to entice them into oblivion.

My inscribed self: I, Ray Heberer, appear as a character in my own album!  My inscribed self is dreamy and confused, and appears (singing) only in These Winter Dreams.  The reality my inscribed self is that the world of Altman and Marzena and the essences of Passion, Melancholy, Death, and Reason accompanying them are merely voices whispering in my ear as I lie dreaming in my bed.  It is not necessarily Winter in season when these dreams occur, but it is the Winter of my life, as I am diagnosed with a terminal illness and have but a few weeks left to live, suffering in my deathbed.  I see how human and real these characters in my dreams are, and believe their story must be preserved.  Hence, I decide to immortalize the short-lived love of Altman and Marzena in an album, which you will happen to be listening to when my inscribed self makes its appearance.

The Chorus: The chorus is responsible for the recitation of three sonnets during the album.  There is the Dream Sonnet in These Winter Dreams, as well as the Second Dream Sonnet in Triumph and Disaster.  These two poems are read by a chorus of whispers and they and their content is symbolic of the multiple planes of reality present in the album, as well as a certain recurrent theme of dreams themselves in the plot of the album (again, I’ll write about the plot soon!).  Finally, there is the Nightmare Sonnet which is found in Vignette, which also recited by a chorus of whispers.  More shall be said about the Nightmare Sonnet later, but it is essentially a warning from an unknown source directed at the two characters at the peak of their love.

Well, I hope you’ve found this interesting.  Soon, I will write about the plot of the album.  Unfortunately, the release is still over half a year away, but I promise I will do my best to make it worth it!

Yours truly,

Ray (the real one, not the terminally ill one)

A Reflection

Tags

bloodred fullmoon, Bras Cubas, haemic, halfbreedrayze, ray heberer, reclusive forest council, reflection, we hang our own

I've decided to put in some photos not relating specifically to my publically known occupation as a musician. This is from the high school drama production.

It is important to take some time, once in a while, to look back on life in order to reconnect with one’s roots and make reasonable plans for the future.  Recently, I reached 1,000 subscribers on YouTube.  One year ago, I would have been delighted to surpass this amount, but my initial reaction was disturbingly apathetic.  For this reason, I thought it would be sagacious to slow down and indulge in a little reflection.

What are the motivations behind your endeavors?  Why are you so exceedingly driven?  Good questions, my dear inscribed readers!

I played with this wonderful group of individuals in our high school drama production Much Ado About Nothing (Shakespear).

 

I have a plethora of motivations that vary immensely in terms of overall ambitiousness.  As a human who fears death and oblivion, I lust for immortality achieved through art.  However, as an altruistic artist, I also harbor the pure desire to create entertainment and pleasure for the benefit of others.  These two motivations may not seem congruent; their essences may appear to be at opposite poles.  However, the similarity between the two extremes of my inherent selfishness and the contradictory selflessness of my work (after all, I’ve released everything for free so far!), is that everything revolves around a central desire: to be heard.  Therefore, by this philosophy, every few notes of my making being played to someone’s ears is fulfillment, and so every little view on YouTube – incomplete views even – is a small, yet sublime piece of success for me.

What I’m presently about to do is take a ponderous, meandering walk back in time through my musical journey with all the songs I’ve released, describing the emotions and memories I associate with each chapter of my career.  To this date I have released 53.2 minutes of music in 11 songs, and my friends will verify that I often find inspiration and gain new resolve by listening through all of them.  While it’s not a sine qua non to listen through this procession of opi, I do highly recommend it!  Onwards and downwards!

Voices Demo (September 22, 2010)

We commence our journey with the jewel of the first couple months of my sophomore year.  Following a year full of frustration and disappointment (perhaps I’ll talk about the musical failures of my freshman year sometime else), I was determined to get just ONE song released to the world.  In hindsight, I frankly evaluate myself as being naive in my planning, unpolished in my sound, and unrefined in my composition.  The one virtue I will accredit to this “previous edition” of myself – (Mr. Bras Cubas, I fully agree with your theory of identity) – is that I was persistent. 

Nonetheless, it still took me TWO MONTHS to release just ONE SONG!  What’s more, the song in question still turned out more or less immature and scatterbrained.  This being said, everyone has a starting point and I am immensely happy with mine.  The song, entitled “Voices – September 2010,” will forever bear the date of its completion, in order to serve as a perpetual reminder of my very first baby step into the musical universe. 

(The 1 track “Voices Demo” can be streamed and downloaded for free here)

Demo 2011 (March 8, 2011)

Ah, what commentary shall I provide about my first demo release, which consisted of three roughly recorded songs?  Well, no original commentary, that’s for sure (i.e. I’m going to quote the commentary of others).  A sudden onset of unindustrious tendencies impels me to resort to such acts of laziness. 

“‘Arch Nemesis’ is an interesting mix of sci-fi electronica, croaking vocals and landslide riffage. ‘Graveyard’ is a slow, heavy, down-tuned crush-fest of morbidity that features guitar picking which enhances the straight-from-the-asylum feel of the song. ‘Hellgate’ is a largely instrumental track laden with bombastic, symphonic keyboards and more of Ray’s flashy fretwork” (No Clean Singing). 

“This project is the product of one of the intrinsic values of the internet: the power to communicate and, in this case, work together with people around the globe” (Death Metal Baboon). 

“The lyrics are completely and utterly mindbending. My mental knuckles are white as I hang on each and every line” (Global Domination).

I lied to you.  My placement of these quotations was very deliberate, not random or due to sudden laziness.  You see, Demo 2011 gave me my first real taste of positive public reception.  From this moment onwards, I found myself yoked to music.  This was the singular point of no return…

(The 3 track “Demo 2011″ can be streamed and downloaded for free here)

 Romanticized Reality (September 2, 2011)

As mentioned, Demo 2011 resulted in the initial, meager tastes of acclaim.  As if my rampant ego needed any other stimulation, I was promptly signed to the Australian indie label Clean State Records.  The label asked if it could include a song of mine in a compilation to be released in the fall (or in Australia’s case, the spring).  Without hesitation, I sent over my newest instrumental demo: Romanticized Reality.  This particular song has an interesting story.  One long weekend, a disheartened Ray Heberer (by what cause was he disheartened?  time has erased said stimulus…) was languishing in an intoxicating mist of sensuous ennui when a flower of inspiration suddenly budded in the void of his laments.  With a newfound spirit of enthusiasm, our quixotic young protagonist went about creating a song – entirely from improvisation!  Amazingly enough, this hairbrained idea actually became manifested in a very decent song!  And they both lived happily ever after…  Oh wait, that’s a different story.

Yeah…  So basically I made a very original and intriguing song in two days by programming the drums and composing through improvisation the bass, guitars, and keyboards over it.  I’m still impressed with myself!

(The song “Romanticized Reality” appears on the 16 track compilation by Clean State Records which can be streamed for free or bought here)

Winter Solstice (September 28, 2011)

My first EP was rather anticlimactic in its completion.  Could this be because I had re-recorded each song at least two times?  Could this perhaps be due to the fact that I completely fudged the rhythm guitar tone?  Maybe the lack of satisfaction I get from Winter Solstice is a result of my decision to break up with my then-girlfriend on the very same day I released the EP (to whom I dedicated the entire thing to about a week later, but my eternal, now-platonic love for a certain Miss M____ is a story for later).  In any case releasing Winter Solstice, a project I’d labored with for a long time, did not bring the fulfillment I had hoped for.  This notwithstanding, reception was good and I appeared on a few new websites and blogs, participated in an interview, and more recently debuted on a few radio stations. 

(The 5 track “Winter Solstice” can be streamed and downloaded for free here)

Eleven Wishes (November 11, 2011)

Not too much to say about this one.  If anything this spontaneous instrumental is a symbol of my impulsivity and a newfound predilection to lightly symphonic, melodic compositions.  It’s meant to be an enjoyable listening experience, nothing more!

(The 1 track “Eleven Wishes” can be streamed and downloaded for free here)

 

Performing with some friends at our local food fair! Credits to Emily Wang, for this and the first photo.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed this no-so-little chronological reflection of times past.  I certainly have, and through the process of writing this have become significantly more appreciative of my existing achievements.  1,000 subscribers shouldn’t be taken too lightly, after all!  Time to show my gratitude for such undying support with that We Hang Our Own EP.

I also hope a few of you caught on to my little references to various things in my writing.  It’s a little game I play, call it ludic if you will, but I don’t believe I’ve reached that level of sophistication just yet…

I’m going backpacking in the mountains of Taiwan for the next four days.  I’ll make sure to take a few photos.  Remember: Ray Heberer IV is a Romantic – naturalist, exoticist, escapist…

Ray, Oliver, and Keano. Having fun at the Taipei Zoo.